Eric Swalwell
Drogan's Encyclopedia - We Ain't Wikipedia
| Born | Eric Loser Swalwell |
| November 16, 1980 | |
| Got No Sac City, Iowa, US |
Eric Michael Swalwell (born November 16, 1980) is person of dubious intelligence with no sense of self awareness. He has been described by a former colleague as some guy who hung with the popular crowd in high school but no one knew how. Swalwell has a distinctive odor that follows him, described by a former aide as a cross between mothballs and the 70's budget aftershave Hai Karate.
Other than being a national embarrassment, Swalwell is best known for floating an Air Dugan on live television and sleeping with a Chinese spy named Fang Fang. Although he is busy being the scourge of the nation, he still find time to lie daily on Twitter. He has claimed every mass murderer in the past 300 years has been a Trump supporter.
He is listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the man who has gone the longest without bathing, showering or performing any feats of personal hygiene whatsoever.
Early Life
Swalwell's early life mainly involved sycophantic activity where he sought out the right people in high school and college and rode their coattails. Some former schoolmates claim that Swalwell entered the inner-circle by doing homework and petty errands for the popular kids. This helped Swalwell to get invited to the right parties and, eventually, helped him get into the right fraternities.
This was seen as pivotal to Swalwell's career because Swalwell lacks talent, good personal hygiene, and has no natural charisma or marketable skills.
US House of Representatives
Once Swalwell was elected to the US Congress, he has become a national embarrassment. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi attempted to put Swalwell where he could do the least damage. Pelosi assigned Adam Schiff to babysit Swalwell, mainly to keep him doing anything stupid. Schiff, who has a documented lack of mental acuity, failed to keep Swalwell from playing "Pull My Finger" on live television.
Swalwell Banged Fang Fang
Enforcing the fact that Swalwell has no ability to make good decisions, he had an affair with a Chinese spy named Fang Fang. The Democrats saw no issue with this, despite the fact that Swalwell serves on the House Intelligence Committee. The claim from "officials" is that no secrets were ever given in exchange for nookie. It is not known how they have determined that no classified secrets were disbursed, but the citizens can sleep well at night knowing that our government has made this assurance.
Swalwell made the claim that the Trump Administration leaked this information to the public. This is called in to question for several reasons. The first being that Trump was out of office for almost a year before the Fang Fang story came out. The second, and probably the most important fact, is that Trump barely knows who Swalwell is and really couldn't care less because he is a loser.
Swalwell Sues Trump
Swalwell is suing Donald Trump, Mo Brooks and a various swath of other people over the events of January 6th. It was reported that Swalwell suffered emotional damage and mental trauma when he was forced to pull a George Costanza and push women and elderly people out of the way so that he could lead the way to safety on that fateful day. In addition to that, he is claiming damages for new underwear and pants that he soiled while running scared.
While there are no photos documenting the event, below is an artist's conception of Swalwell during the aforementioned events.
Sense of Self-Awareness
Swalwell has a documented lack of self-awareness. Whether it is riding around shirtless on a camel or running for President of the United States, he doesn't realize that he is, was, and will forever will be known as a disgusting grease ball. Swalwell is not able to determine the difference between a frat party at Alpha Sigma Phi and the United States House of Representatives. This was demonstrated by Swalwell on more than one occasion as he used a Zippo to ignite the accumulation of gas in his alimentary canal during subcommittee meetings.
