Jack Dorsey
Drogan's Encyclopedia - We Ain't Wikipedia
| Born | Jack Patrick Dorsey | |
| November 19, 1976 | ||
| St. Louis, Missouri, U.S. | ||
| Damien Lucifer | ||
| 10,000 BC | ||
| Parts Unknown | ||
| Known for | ||
| Evil | ||
| Net worth | Whole world | |
| Lost soul | ||
Jack Patrick Dorsey (born Damien Lucifer; c. 10,000 BC) is an American billionaire who uses money and technology to enforce his political and religious beliefs on everyone who chooses to be a slave on his internet platforms.
Early Life
In or around November 19, 1976, Damien Lucifer became a human baby in St. Louis Missouri. It has been theorized that Jack began to hone his skills at computer programming and software development at age 14. However, many of his friends say that his sole achievement before age 21 was a two line "hello world"-style program written in the BASIC programming language.
Once he realized that he couldn't live any longer in city that started with the word saint, he relocated to California where he was assured that pure evil was not only tolerated, but celebrated. It was in this location where he realized his goal of worldwide dominance and thought control would be easiest to achieve through a micro-blogging service called Twitter.
Career
It was at Twitter where Dorsey began transitioning from the pedestrian Dorsey to the egotistical Lucifer. "Dorsey" maintains that Twitter was never designed to turn a profit, but, instead, be more of an "energy field for all living things to surround us, penetrates us, and bind the galaxy together." Despite his statement being a blatant rip-off of a well-known science fiction film, he feels as though it is justified because he bathes and grooms himself seldomly just like Mark Hamill.
Dorsey rarely does anything at Twitter, making key appearances in front of the United States Senate and Joe Rogan's podcast. He has switched in and out of the CEO position at Twitter as much as most people change their underwear. This has drawn a lot of criticism. But, according to a Twitter employee, when Dorsey's in charge, as long as they simply ban conservatives and make it hard for them to do anything, you keep your job and get steady pay increases.
According to a source close to Dorsey, he believes that, according to Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, he can do anything he wants and can ban everything that he doesn't like. This is in stark contrast to the actual law which talks about specific immunity that doesn't give Dorsey absolute power and control. As noted by many, as long as Dorsey writes consistently large checks to the most powerful members of the Democrat party, there is a subtle guarantee that he can continue Twitter's current business practices.
Twitter rarely turns a profit, pays no dividends, and is generally considered one of the worst investments is Wall Street history, with most analysts saying to sell or avoid the stock. Despite this fact, Dorsey has been given the power to let the Lucifer side of his personality thrive and flourish.
Personal Life
Dorsey/Lucifer has supported various Democrat politicians and leftist ideas like "Universal Basic Income." He has made the claim that, in order to control people in the way he sees most effective, the Democrat party is the best choice for achieving those goals. He likes "Universal Basic Income" because he said it is easier to buy someone's obedience than to convince them that your way is right.
Quotes
"I have no problem with conservatives and Christians, as long as they keep their moronic and outdated beliefs off Twitter, we'll get along just fine."
"My father was a Republican who listened to Rush Limbaugh. My mother was a Democrat. My father was very authoritarian and made me clean my room and do other chores to get my allowance. My mother didn't make me do anything and just gave me money. So, in all reality, Twitter gives me a way to get back at my father and idiots like him."
"I really don't care that I'm pushing 50, the hair, beard, and nose ring make me a cool CEO. It doesn't help the bottom-line of the company or attract investors, but being cool and hip are more important."